Every defense lawyer has wanted to file an answer like this.

From a real, live answer recently filed in a real, live case pending in a Texas state court (court, parties, and counsel redacted):

I.

Defendants assert a general denial under Rule 92 of the Texas Rules of Civil Procedure to the Plaintiff's Original Petition.

II.

Defendants assert that Plaintiff's damages were caused in whole or part by his own contributory negligence.  Specifically, the plaintiff is a dumbass who failed to unlock a twist lock causing his own injury -- fucking idiot.  Thus, a jury should also consider the negligence of the Plaintiff and defendants assert the dumbass defense.

III.

Defendants further assert that Plaintiff's injuries and damages, all of which he is faking, were caused in whole or in part by pre-existing conditions.  Thus, a jury should also consider the pre-existing conditions of the malingering Plaintiff.

WHEREFORE, PREMISES CONSIDERED, Defendants [redacted] therefore, prays for a take-nothing judgment and that the case be dismissed because the plaintiff is a malingering dipshit, for all costs, and for all other just relief.

Respectfully submitted,

etc.      

Moral:  When you dictate an answer over the phone to your secretary on your way back to the airport after a particularly crappy deposition, do not assume that you'll remember to edit it before filing.